What is Emotion Regulation and ‘Dysregulation’?
Emotion regulation and ‘dysregulation’ are terms that are heard a lot in educational settings. As a trainee EP, I often hear ‘he is always dysregulated’, or ‘she doesn’t know how to regulate’. I am very aware that these terms are perhaps new to some people or often used without proper explanation which can lead to misinformation and confusion. Gross (2015) stated that enthusiasm for this topic continues to outstrip clarity, and there remains uncertainty as to what is even meant by “emotion regulation” – and that was ten years ago! So, let’s start at the beginning.
Emotion regulation is the ability to manage our emotions. It is the activation of a goal to influence the emotion trajectory (Gross, Sheppes, & Urry, 2011)
Emotion dysregulation happens when our nervous system becomes overwhelmed and we’re unable to return to a calm or focused state.
In children, dysregulation is often misunderstood as “bad behaviour.” But in reality, it’s a physiological and emotional reaction, not a conscious choice. Think of it as a nervous system that needs support- an internal storm we feel when things go wrong. This ‘storm’ shows up in our behaviour: tantrums, withdrawal, outbursts, defiance, or even seemingly “over the top” laughter. These are all signs that the body’s stress response is leading the show.
Step 1: Auto-Regulation
From birth, babies engage in what’s called auto-regulation- their bodies instinctively try to manage distress. This could be crying when hungry, sucking their thumb, and turning their head away from unwanted stimulation. These are all early forms of auto-regulation. However, babies have very limited capacity to regulate on their own, they rely completely on caregivers for comfort, soothing, and safety. This brings us on to…
Step 2: Co-Regulation
Co-regulation is the process where adults help children manage big feelings. Through calm voice tones, emotion coaching, gentle touch, eye contact, and predictable routines, caregivers help settle a child’s nervous system.
Examples of co-regulation:
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A parent scooping up a crying toddler and rocking them.
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A teacher sitting quietly with an upset student, breathing slowly and talking gently.
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Naming emotions for a child: “You’re feeling really frustrated that the game ended — that makes sense.”
- Noticing and supporting e.g., a toddler may be crying and the mother may attune to their needs, “are you hungry? Oh you’re stomach grumbled, shall we get you some lunch?”
Co-regulation isn’t about “fixing” emotions or making children happy (try not to fall into dismissive parenting – see emotion coaching training for more). Co-regulation is about being a steady presence as children ride the wave of their emotions. Over time, these experiences shape the brain’s ability to self-regulate later on.
Step 3: Self-Regulation
As children mature, if they’ve experienced consistent co-regulation, they begin to internalise these calming strategies. This is the foundation of self-regulation: the ability to notice what’s happening inside (affective states such as stress responses, emotions and moods).
Self-regulation looks like:
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Taking deep breaths before reacting.
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Walking away to cool down.
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Using words instead of hitting.
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Recognising the signs of overwhelm and asking for help.
It’s important to remember that self-regulation isn’t a switch, it develops over years, and is never perfect- even adults struggle sometimes! It’s not about never getting dysregulated, but about recognising dysregulation and having strategies to return to balance.
Why This Matters
When we understand emotional regulation as a developmental journey, from auto- to co- to self-regulation, we can meet children where they are at. We can stop seeing dysregulation as “bad behaviour” and start seeing it as a call for connection, safety, and guidance. As adults, parents or teaching staff, you’re not just managing behaviour- you’re shaping a brain. A great way to support with co-regulation is through emotion coaching – we have a course on emotion coaching that can be accessed here and is written and delivered by educational psychologists Dr Gary Lavan and Dr Eleanor Tomlinson.
